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Friday, June 3, 2016

This is my second draft about The Most Horrible Migration Day and I hope you will like it.


W.A.L.T recall  events through the eyes of an animal.
  • Title
  • Orientation:  When? Who? Where? Why?
  • Sequence of events:  What happened? Describe using the senses (hear, taste, see, smell and feel).
  • Personal Comment:  How did the events make you feel?#

Second Draft
The reds are my changes

The Most Horrible Migration Day

On that one day I had a super horrible migration day that I have experience in my life and this is the story.That day was a great day, sunny but windy in the Savannah’s most popular river. It wasn't  really hot but it was warm , the sun was bright, the wind was perfect and that day was May 6, my birthday. The most perfect day for me and the perfect day for us buffalo to migrate.  It was just  my dad, my mum, my grandmas, my granddads, my cousins, my aunts, my uncles and I.  We were going to the grassland because there was no more grass in that place. But they call it migration. I always hid in my dad and my mum’s shadow because I'm just a calf. I didn't knew what to do, I only knew to  follow my dad and my mum. If there is something that I'm super afraid of, it is what I met in that horrible migration day. I'm lucky I survived.

I had sense that there were creatures hiding at the back of those old and dry bushes, I could taste the fear in the air and I could hear the breath of something that was terrifying. I told my dad about it but he did not listen to me and then he said I was  just daydreaming, so I just ignored it.

My dad stopped in silence and said he heard something. Immediately we ran, we saw lions coming after us. Suddenly they chose to chase then eat me! My heart was beating as if it was getting smash by a mallet while my feet were burning like they were in  very hot, reddish-orange  lava on a volcano.  I was out of balance, all of a sudden I fell in the water, they have got me. I felt the pressure, weight, their sharp and big teeth on my neck and body.

I was seeing something in the muddy brown deep river.  Straightaway something appeared, it was a crocodile! He grabbed me in my back, I felt his small but razor sharp teeth. I felt pain on my both sides of my body.

And like I'm in a tug of war but I'm the flag at the middle. When the lions had enough they told the smallest lion to strike at the crocodile, he struck at him. While the four lions pulled me out of the water, so the crocodile could not get me for his lunch.

I thought it was my last day on Earth, but then I smelt something that was familiar for me. Finally I saw my family, they came back for me, I was crying with joy.  They thought of a way to save me, immediately my dad charged at the lions. Instantly they all charged at the lions and chased them around the path into the bushes. They freed me from the furious lions. I was happy while sobbing, my dad put me in the middle part of the thick herd and told me to stay in there.

Thank god I was saved by my family, I never knew what to do without them. I hit two birds with a one stone  by accomplishing or managing to escape from those two predators that was my most biggest fears.  The furious lions and the giant crocodile. I  felt gladly happy and thankful to god and to my family that they saved me from the predators that were terrifying for me, even now. I wish that I will never in my life have an horrifying experience, like that again.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Axle, That story was awesome. But I could see some problem like this {Finally I saw my family, they came back for me, I was crying with joy} you have used two commas, and you have used Bold at the last paragraph. Anyway Great Job!.

    ReplyDelete

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